The Splendiferous Zeppelin Escapades of Filliam H. Muffman
"The Splendiferous Zeppelin Escapades of Filliam H. Muffman" is a documentary film about the life and love of Filliam H. Muffman (celebrity couple Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy, as they have come to be known since Stephen Colbert coined their celebrity-couple-name). The Splendiferous Zeppelin Escapades follows Filliam H. Muffman through the "summer of love" in which they tried to destroy the last of the Nazi Zeppelins that was still in use as a mobile Chinese sweatshop. Filliam H. Muffman saved over 400 future Angelina Jolie adoptees in this "escapade," and the documentary earned $38 Million at the Box Office, making it the second-highest-grossing documentary film of all time after Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. How's this for an inconvenient truth, Mr. Gore? We've still got several ice caps, but thanks to Filliam H. Muffman, all of the world's Reichdirigibles are now gone for good! The Film Splendiferous Zeppelin Escapades depicts the tireless fight of that most benevolent Celebrity Crusader™, Filliam H. Muffman, as they tirelessly work to bestow America's Greatest Gift to The World™: Freedom™ upon little Jolie kinder-wannabes making shoes in an old Nazi zeppelin. Unlike their communist celebrity counterparts, Filliam H. Muffman meet with Stephen Colbert's approval. Getting the film made :The idea to make "Splendiferous" came out of a vacation Filliam was enjoying in the reasonably priced slums of Southeast Asia. The locale was exotic, the food agreeable, and the prices OUT OF THIS WORLD! Nothing was going to get in the way of Filliam's enjoyment of their long-awaited (and well deserved) month-long respite from the liberal cesspool of Hollywood. :But alas, storm clouds penetrated the horizon. Filliam's pleasure bubble was burst when George Clooney and Brad Pitt cavorted past, headed straight to a nude beach within binocular distance from The Muffman's beachfront hotel room. Their bliss shattered, Filliam was forced to wander the back alleys of Bangkok at night to cleanse their beautiful, beautiful minds of the visions that were forcefully inserted there by Clooney and Pitt through Filliam H. Muffman's binoculars! :All night they went in and out of the filthiest, cheapest and most imaginative child porn theaters they had ever witnessed in all their travels—some so shocking that they spent hours there in disbelief. By that evening, Filliam's mind had been entered unwillingly and pounded relentlessly until it had been stretched to the very limit. At their last stop, as the sun was rising and the images of Clooney and Pitt began to slip from their mind, Filliam was taken to a chicken coop at the edge of a field on the outskirts of town. It was here they met up with destiny. Excerpts From The Novel By Anne Rice Chapter The First: The Zeppelin The imposing figure rose above the fog-covered rice paddies. Its gray, ribbed skin distended by the pressurized gases that filled it to that familiar shape. Wires tethered it to the ground even as it struggled to break free and rise skyward. Filliam walked tentatively toward the monsterous tuber. A small brown man exited the gondola that sagged from beneath the long gray form and approached them, his sandals making obscene squishing noises in the mud. The only clothes hanging from the man's sweaty body was a thin cloth wrapped around his slight waist. As he neared, they could smell the stench from his homemade cigarette. Before they could introduce themselves, the small brown man produced two blindfolds from beneath his loincloth in a flourish of cloth and stick-like arms. Filliam smiled. "We heard you were coming Loutellant Muffman," the small brown man managed to say in overly accented Broken English. "We make suprise for Loutellant. "Please," Filliam replied, "call us Filliam; no need for such formalities between friends." The small brown man's mouth widened into what he had been taught in school to be a smile, but looked more like a small brown monkey baring his teeth to frighten away predators. And the three shook penises according to local custom. The small brown monkey man reached out to tie the blindfolds when Filliam stopped him, taking the blindfolds away from the small brown monkey man, mainly so they wouldn't have to stoop and put their backs out (especially after their vigorous evening) but mostly so they could put them on each other. As soon as the blindfolds were secured the sound of a motor roared to life. Filliam giggled, "Remember Amsterdam?" "Yes, we can only hope," Filliam sighed. Soon, Filliam was being pushed toward the sputtering sound of the engine by one small hand on their buttocks. Chapter The Fourth: The Mobile Career Preparatory Academy Filliam was led to a rickety seat inside the gondola. Voices shouting in that strange brown monkey man language could just be heard above the loud drone of the engine. Suddenly, with a lurch, they could feel the zeppelin break its bounds from the earth and ease into the cloud of fog. Filliam wasn't sure if the vibration they were feeling was from the seats, the engine or their unbridled excitement. As soon as the craft was aloft, dozens--perhaps hundreds--of tiny hands removed Filliam's shoes and clothing; poking and prodding their quivering flesh. Filliam let out a prolonged gasp. "Wait my love, not yet," Filliam tried to be as reassuring as possible. Chapter The Twenty-Seventh: Around The World With A Bag Of Gas Far below, on the sands of the barren desert, Hoffmeister Von Reichentard shook the half-filled canteen in his bony fist skyward as Der Fliegenaffe began to turn eastward. "Steadfastly onward!" cried Filliam to the newly freed crew of monkey-men. Smiling and screeching their strange monkey-speak, they quickly lept to their stations, eager to embark on the wondrous journey that only a free monkey-man can feel. Pointing to the large glass map of the known world, glowing softly from the gas-lamps which illuminated it from behind, Filliam began to describe a route which would carry them from the western wastelands of Mesopotamia toward the unspoiled riches of the East. In the hands of the head monkey-man, the brass instruments flashed and sparkled over the surface of the map as Filliam dictated the course of their voyage. Grease-pencil lines stretched from the zeppelin's current longitude across the twin arteries of the Tigris and Euphrates, past Persia's mountains and through the fabled city of Kabul. The navigator worked steadily, plotting time and airspeed, temperature and tailwind as Filliam paced the bridge. Suddenly, from the direction of the lavatory, there was heard a loud crashing! Had they not heaved all of the Hoffmeister's henchmen overboard? The monkey-men were as frozen ice-sculptures, petrified their freedom would only be short-lived. Filliam lifted the ceremonial cutlass from above the engine-room telespondergraph and carefully approached the door of the WC. "Who might I inquire is relieving themself?" Filliam challenged. There was no response from inside. "Reveal thyself, or I shall be forced into violent, though proper action!" A low creaking heralded the turning of the glass knob of the lavatory door. A widened eye peered out from within. "It is only I, the celebrated Great Chef of Europe, Phineas Q. Bottlebrush." Filliam smiled, lowering the cutlass, and opened the door. From the confines of the narrow room, the visibly shaken Bottlebrush squeezed through the doorframe, his ponderous belly a full yard ahead of the rest of him. "Now friends, you will not only be free, but extremely well-fed!" exclaimed Filliam. The monkey-men screeched anew with glee in anticipation of the fine repast that Bottlebrush would no doubt prepare from the well-stocked pantries of Der Fliegenaffe's galley. Chapter the 28th -''' '''In Which Filliam H. Muffman is/are arrested by FBI in college admissions scandal.